my interview on a show exposing the psychology and reality behind porn and webcam work:
Thought I’d put these old church rags to some actual good use.
I don’t go into great detail about my god encounter on this site. Although this work was curated because God asked it of me ,I find it’s confusing enough as it is for most people to try to comprehend what I’m doing without throwing the full aspect of Holy work into the mix. But I want to show my life behind the perceptions. When I had the god encounter about 5 1/2 years ago he told me I would lose everything. I was pretty well set up at the time but surely everything began to fall apart. I lost a lot of friends and family who couldn’t understand what I was going through. I lost the place I was living, I lost the car I had, I lost $15K I had saved up to pay off the car I ended up losing, I went through a lot of medical issues while releasing old patterns. God told me he would give me back all that I had lost and he has over and over. He’d told me that there would be people to help me and at the time I’d only been in Austin a year and really didn’t have any close ties so at the time it seemed like an impossibility, but sometimes impossibly is what we need to face in order to experience miracles.
I’m not saying that the material things are oh so miraculous, there has been so much more that I have and will cover in my other forums but this world gives a lot more value to what it can “see” than what it can feel so in keeping with my promise to be an example I have to include the miracles that others may more easily identify as valuable.
I made a deal wth God that I would retire from the rat race and just do what makes me feel good and only things I truly believe in. He said that if i do that then he would take care of the finances and opportunity. The causes that were important to me, like giving young girls a more comfortable world to develop into, or helping people realize what real love and sensuality is were the driving force for creativity and inspiration. This has been a practice of faith and living in a new way. Although it has taken me down avenues I never imagined I’d need or want to venture, it has given me power to say no to things I don’t feel right about and understand how these situations gradually manifested over aeons of generations instead of letting them have a hidden power over me. But I’ve also gotten to see how to untangle them and though it makes perfect sense to me, it also makes perfect sense that it looks messy in moments of shifting.
So before I go off on my playful vids I wanted to make one in remembrance and gratitude of how things were for me not too long ago. I feel that we are all a part of the Nature I depend on to move and deliver me and in giving back I’m helping the “me” in those situations and committing that gratitude to action, just as Nature does for me. It’s why I started the blog in an attempt to help men like those who made me afraid of them as a child, or the ones just steps behind in the pattern and especially the ones who feel lost or alone in the patriarchal shadow. All of the “sex work” began as a way to help women but through what god shows me I’ve found compassion and a profound sadness (yet hopefulness) for the chokehold men have also been facing on the flip side. Realizing that communication and truth is the way to help clear up the unnecessary distortion and commercial degregadation is what drives me to be so blatant and open…I like a challenge so shock value from nudity is too easy a target for me lol this is about facing uncomfortable issues in order to release unneeded discomfort that makes the issues so uncomfortable…whether it be sex or god.
Not surprisingly I totaled my car the day after I filmed this…destruction is not always a negative, wait for the reverb cus it just might be something more amazing than what you thought you lost ;)
PS. there was a point after losing everything that god wouldn’t allow me to help men. If a homeless man approached me I was to say “women and children first” because at the time I was living on are change myself but still wanted to help others in my position. I’m allowed to give men food but no more money or cigs. And as far as vets go…I have some change to ask of those contemplating becoming a vet – don’t go to war, do not shoot anyone on my behalf. Otherwise, I’ll have no change to give you back when you return to the street corners so you might want to think a little harder about your future if not ours. WAR IS OVER IF YOU WANT IT :)
Energy runs on grids. Our body is a grid-like mechanism that we can learn to work energy through. When we lose density by flushing out stagnant and built up electrical charge we can open to the more subtle fields around us. Physically, for me, air becomes more tangible like water but I’m also able to feel the “lines” in the space around me, my body connects to something outside of itself that I can reach towards and feel support me and even moves my body for me if I allow myself to slow down enough. Imagine how that physical effect and practice might expand the abilities and available fields of the mind. Yoga helps me connect to the realness of life and go beyond what people tend to expect life to be. I’ve discovered new appreciations in small movements and find it frustrating to live in a world of superficial and fast consumption.
Sex, for me, real sex is about expanding those energy channels through out the entire body and mind along with the heart .I don’t see sex as being so much about the other person but connecting to the god energy and bathing in it. So I put vids like this out hopefully to inspire movements in order to bring more awareness in touches, slowing down to envelop the energy of a moment and not shoot through it on a pornographic idea of what sex is. I can sit on a hard stick anytime I’d like, plenty of trees out there for impotents to be jealous of, what I yearn for is to be absorbed by another body using our entire bodies and giving into the energies, getting lost in the sensations and not having to focus towards a goal but letting it take you somewhere unexplainable, that is true relaxation and release.
There’s too much “hands off” sex out there from practicing solely as an observer instead of connecting to yourself. I know it’s hard to face yourself sometimes since you’ve been so conditioned to be afraid of e-motions instead of violence (which might lead you to violence towards yourself), as manly as that sounds…. To be better in bed is to first off be better with your own body in order to respond in a way that evokes the energetic response within another. But all too often I find that no matter how connected you are to yourself you cannot be turned on by an unresponsive partner who is too dense to feel the moment anywhere than their penis or other limited and commercially designated locations. This world has become such a waste of good opportunity because of convenience. Too many people are allowing themselves to be spoiled rotten by technology and forgetting that it is preschool level technology when compared to the body and senses that they allow to go to waste. The sexual organs house the energy that is meant to be expanded and not diminished by restricting it’s path with conditioned and triggered responses.
If you’re one of those skinny-fat lazy dudes who’s not really all that “good looking” or interesting but expect to find a hot and interesting girl who wants to please them. fuck you – get off your ass and learn to be a pleasure first (and put away the porn/visual vice/robotic sex, connect to your body and reteach yourself what pleasure is, not what was sold to you as pleasure- you got ripped off, you should be frustrated… have some fucking independence please) instead of expecting all of us to mother you, it’s a huge turn off and we’ll never enjoy sucking your soggy, spoiled, porn fried dick and no, it’s not normal…just becoming the norm as you all degraded together as a species
now please watch my boring yoga practice and learn something, dumbass – you don’t need a fucking gym membership. get up and learn to move, energy is readily available and begging for you to learn how to use it. AND!!! there are lots of horny and unsatisfied women out there – you might be able to catch a break into the market… learning to dance with energy in movement will change your entire energetics including your magnetism… subtle changes in movement have a huge impact on impressions because you exude your tension patterns in every movement and sound you make, all of which is picked up in the subconscious of others.
and remember it’s a practice not a perfect – I find more relaxation and relief in laughing at my struggles rather than scolding myself for them – I also hope you’ll find the humor in the message too but also the seriousness and take it into consideration rather than in offense…cus I think we all know what I mean ;)
and here are some easy practices to start with:
cheesy ad tactics to create a mental recall
Kinda sounds like a wet dream but it’s a name I came up with to sell you dudes on a practice you might employ during your daily activities, or non activities, without even looking like you’re doing anything. It doesn’t take props or a drive to the gym and hardly any effort at all. It will help you revive and restore your senses by initiating the release of holding patterns that make keep you blocked mentally, emotionally, or physically. It’s a gem I picked up from a yoga teacher of mine, along with another idea of hers, to help myself release the gripping in the deeper crevices of my nervous system that I couldn’t seem to shift with the gross body.
Our body is a pressure system. We have our fleshy and muscle body, our skeletal and our nervous system. The nervous system is woven throughout our bodies in an ever-branching pattern to encapsulate, animate and maintain our physical being. Our heart creates the electrical impulse and the pattern of the pulmonary system affects the pulse and circulatory system. In short, our breath regulates our nervous system, our nervous system affects our muscular body, our muscular body affects our skeletal body. What creates the impulse to he heart? That’s where emotions are processed. The mind is in connection to the heart’s reaction which creates the electrical impulse to the nervous system, which can be regulated with awareness and breath. When there is disconnect between the mind and heart we can become out of sync with our Nature. This will end up showing in our physical body as tension or dis-ease essentially from the butterfly effect of our thoughts, habitual beliefs and nervous system.
What is tension? Physically speaking it is the electrical, or nervous system, holding breath in a space and therefore creating a density and weight, or focus, around it. When we hold that tension in a habitual pattern we can eventually feel petrified in that area because the flow of oxygen is strained and restricted. Petrified is a perfect word because it explains in two fold. In one way, the physical feeling of the dense muscle. Like when you feel a knot during a massage, which is a more gross body example of manifested mental tension. The knot most like isn’t the source of tension but the areas around the knot the created the kink in the weave of the nerve branches. Secondly, petrified gives the cause of itself in the mental sense. When we create a holding pattern of tension it is out of fear of releasing the guard around an area of vulnerability. The nervous system is triggered into holding when the mind encounters something it can’t reconcile rationally and that creates an emotional vulnerability. This is like any defense mechanism, but without releasing can become a vice that puts a choke hold on the flow of oxygen to areas of unknown tension. Because our body is a pressure system we need to work it out-ward and release internally to avoid pressure build up. This practice can be like a mini Big Bang to help dissipate condensed tension build up.
Because of the nature of this blog I have to mention also the importance of oxygen when it comes to feeling sensation in orgasm. Imagine a house in the winter all warm inside from running the heater, so warm you have to wear a t-shirt indoors. Then you look outside and notice it snowing and you hear the cold wind blow through. Then you decide to open the window and the first sensation is a satisfying tingle just before the chill catches you. For me, that initial burst of air is what it feels like, on a smaller scale, when I can release a holding pattern and allow breath and sensation to move back in and out of an area that has become petrified. This release will play out on each body field you have: Physical, emotional and mental (these work in parallel to each other). The combination of access to the opened areas in the three bodies creates the opportunity for greater sensation and satisfaction when it comes to releasing through orgasm. You learn to expand your attention into more than one area at a time which will also, in tandem, increase the sensation of the areas you were previously overwhelming with stimulation.
Many of us born in the 80’s, 90’s and 00’s are from a more upper chakra generational system. This is one reason most of us are more mentally than physically rooted. This can lead to wanting to understand something before experiencing it which can play out in trying to “fix” things about ourselves with added external information or psychological analyzation. But the brain is a much smaller system than the muscular body but we can use our brains to figure out which might be more efficient in affecting the other in a size fight. You might argue that the power of the mind is more powerful than the body and it’s precisely that reason that it is beneficial to use the body to release the powerful gripping patterns of the mind.
This practice is held in the space where these two fields become almost indistinguishable so it is working from the inside out by rewiring the patterns we send to the physical. It’s where mental focus roots itself into our nervous system and then sends out the pattern in waves throughout the body in a vibration like a radio signal through, usually unconscious and unknowing, mental acceptance.
Here it is: Without physically doing it, gargle in the back of your throat. Just think of the muscles you would you use to do this, let your muscle memory guide you through your mental imagery of gargling water. Can you feel the energetic movement in the muscles without actually manipulating physical movement? Can you feel a subtle opening and awareness in the back of your throat? If so, you are doing the phantom gargle and creating an energetic pulse to initiate circulation and movement. The more you practice it you will increase awareness and sensation as tension dissolves and allows energy to flow more freely. On the next round, try inviting breath into the open space as you “gargle”. You can allow the body to move if it feels necessary or pleasurable but the idea is to start to release energetically and also recognize the way you feel energy within the body.
Now let’s try it in other areas of the body we might be holding. Imagine “gargling” in these areas:
You can really try it anywhere, I tend to use it more in the head and upper chest when I’m doing it on the go but recommend trying it for any area you feel tension has settled.
Oxygen is essential for pleasure. The expansion of cells with oxygen allows sensation. Whenever you can usher in oxygen to closed off spaces and circuits you can experience physical sensation and pleasure. When and where we are tense will mute sensation and interrupt the flow of energy. Pleasure is not as easy to achieve with mere mental focus and sometimes is even hindered by it.
Using props is essential for many yoga practitioners to safely open up tense and tight spaces in order to fully expand and integrate energetic lines within the body. Using too much force or trying to compensate for certain movements with shortcuts only leads to “injury” and bypassing the blocks creates gaps in the energetic lines and can lead to a type of energetic amputation.
In yoga, once you practice for a while, you become able to feel the threads of larger energy channels and with more attention to subtle body work you can branch out into more intricate and, therefore, fuller and more embodied sensation.
I use straps and sandbags in my yoga practice to help achieve this and sex is yoga for me so I like to use restraints in that practice time as well. It’s not always necessary but helpful in achieving certain sensations and helping my partner learn my lines. The physical benefit for me is the expansion I get by being able to relax the inner body due to the tension created in concentration in the lateral muscles and limbs.
For instance:I like to strap my ankles together in a missionary, prone or prostrated position. In missionary this can also be achieved by the partner holding my legs in and somewhat by hooking the ankles but that is more taxing than rewarding. In prostrate positions a similar effect can be achieved if the partner restrains the sides of my legs with theirs while I push outward with my thighs (points are groin, each knee and connection point of ankles). Being able to redirect the energy from concentrating and squeezing the inner muscles to the sensation of “spread eagel-ing” my legs apart and firing up my leg and side muscles allows more sensation not only into the leg and side area but also the relaxed muscles of the abdominal and groin. So rather than pulling inward, in order to pull the energy from myself, while also contracting my body inward, perhaps around my partner or just bearing down in attempt to increase sensation, I can push my legs outward, bringing all tension to the outer line of the legs and relax the inner legs and groin so that they become flooded with the reverberating energy created from the opposing tension when orgasm is released. This allows energy to “come” through me rather than me having to pull inwards to “create” it. If tension is relaxed in the mid section and focused on the outer lines then once orgasm hits it’s like it’s able to move freely through the interior, almost like an quantum vacuum that floods the entire nervous system.
I also like to have my wrists strapped together behind my back to achieve the same sort of flooding sensation in the chest and torso by using the constraining energy to push outward through my elbows (points are base of head, each elbow and connection point of wrists). The space in between becomes a diamond-like vortex. The opposite is relatable to women grabbing the sheets and clenching. But being able to push outwards, instead of clenching to obtain and muting the charge from orgasm, the diamond area becomes open and spacious. Imagine a ping pong ball going back and forth up and down the machine and that tension is like a block that discourages and interrupts the flow. This is virtually the same as having my partner hold your wrists together while they are behind me and a bonus if they use the tension between our body distance to extend my arms and use them as reigns to help open my shoulder girdle. But that takes some body knowledge and sensitivity to energetics in order to do it well and I’ve noticed (not just through sex) that many people aren’t there yet. I’ve been through some awkward encounters but the main point is to try and to learn so open mindedness and communication are big factors.
Tying the limbs to bedposts or any full limb extension is helpful for bringing sensation to the full body as well but in a different way because it usually ends up being that you have to pull inward, not a total loss but a different effect and great in helping to learn how to use tension to your benefit.
Humans weren’t always in need of external props, though walls, floors, beds, couches and such all have usefulness too. Once two people understand their bodies well enough to accommodate another the can learn the sexual martial arts holds that will reduce the necessity for props and work more in tandem. Until then there’s nothing wrong with using assistance to achieve pleasure. I’m not a niche type of person, I like to think I’m a little more broad than a label so it’s not that, to me, S & M is anything more an over exaggeration that turns into product you can sell as a lifestyle. I think that, like any religion, there is some truth but you need to distinguish what about it is relevant or helpful and it can sometimes be like finding the needle in a haystack.
After doing cam work, the graduating stop on that road of deviation was sugar daddy dating. Cams holds a wide range of audience but mainly 20-30 somethings. Guys tend to get bored and eventually mosey onto bigger thrills in the late 30’s to mid 40’s. Typically once they reach that level they stay innocent enough and just create fantasy stories for attention until that wears thin and they finally make the plunge.
I did that type of “work” and research for about 2 years after the 2 years of cam modeling. I’ll have lots of insights of the realities and the perspective of the sugar baby but this story came to mind today out of nowhere so I thought I’d share because it’s one of the funny ones and hopefully helpful in anyones otherwise potentially misguided future.
This guy in particular is a lawyer here in Austin, mid-late forties, not really attractive but not what you could call ugly. Typically every “sugar daddy” has his check list and they’re usually all the same or pretty close. One of the major listings is anal but usually only asked on the 3rd or 4th date when it’s a really white-washed guy, which was the case with this guy, although he was “native american”, any race can be “white washed” into “buying crap” because all races are equal…duh.
So I went on about 7 dates with this guy over the course of a few months. He took me to dinner once and we went dancing one night but all in all pretty typical meet ups and expectations. I wasn’t interested in him or have a good time because I was with him but it was easy enough, nothing really unpleasant and didn’t take up much of my time. I’m not easily phased by sex and the body and I’m not the type to do things solely for money or allow money to change my soul path in this world so as a yoga teacher I’m quick to offer up advice or critique unlike most sugar babies who’ll keep quiet to cash out (cam girls are models, sugar babies are actresses). He usually took advice and suggestion well but, of course, it would catch him off guard. We made it through most of his little boy christmas checklist (mostly just the dancing date, basic position requests and oral tricks) and finally ended up with the big one left.
The last night we got together he showed up with an enema kit and cargo straps you would use for strapping cargo. The enema was because he wanted to do anal that night and like most white-washed guys is scared of a little poo showing up (which wouldn’t be much of a problem if they kept up with their duties…lol duties), probably never changed a diaper in his life. I informed this intelligent lawyer that enemas take a while to take clear things out and if he wanted me to use that I would be watery-shitting on him for the next hour so I would need advance warning on this request.
He was a little disappointed but moved onto his next idea, using the straps to tie me to the bed. Word of advice guys, if its not comfortable against your male skin, it won’t be comfortable against our female skin (FYI – it’s made of the same stuff). I find it hilarious when these men try so hard to come off as in control and have no knowledge on the subject….they are all fantasy and no logistics…I could go into a political or programming addiction rant in that breath, however, let’s just appreciate the awkwardness of the reality these men are facing in their narcissism, ironically enough. I could have pretended like any other well behaved but control hungry sugar baby would and gone along to keep the easy money but I couldn’t take myself seriously and let grown men run around thinking they look cool while being laughed at on my watch – that’s just mean or my own narcissism ;). So I tried to politely tell him that I had scarves that would work better for the situation (this was before I got the hog ties) but at this point i think his ego was blown along with the idea, not enough to keep the date from ending early but enough to scare him off and back to searching someone less experienced or more willing to humor a indistinguishably “disabled” man with prompted and well rehearsed moans.
My question would be to the men, how would you tell a woman how to handle a situation like that without hurting the man’s ego? Not that I want to admit that these situations are how most men learn about “sex” (or try to) rather than being open and intimate enough to be organically experimental with a partner, especially one they would marry and trust their life to instead of going to strangers in order to feel like a man because they can more easily believe those women think certain ways about them since they are detached. Maybe the point is to show that the alternative to real connection is never what you think it will pan out to be and hopefully give a broader range to paths you take to thinking a situation through in reality vs. controlled movie-style production. Not just with how it plays out but why it’s structured the way it is in your mind in certain circumstances.
dude: Hope you are having a good night! Do you run a cam show? Trying to figure out your videos.
me: i used to do cam work from like 2012-14 but not anymore – i just learned some from the counseling i’d do in free chat. mostly that
learning should be fun 🙂
dude: That’s very cool. Sure you learned a lot to help men doing it.
Learning should be fun. Totally agree 🙂
me: it was eye opening – there’s a lot that men hold back in real life compared to being anonymous on cams – so i want to address some of that and help them “come out” so to speak 😉
dude: We need all the help we can get. We do hold back and need to feel safe that we can express ourselves in certain ways sexually.
me: yes, 🙂everyone deserves that – i don’t think men get that consideration as much as women on the whole
dude: Totally agree.
And then we seek it out elsewhere so we can explore what is not safe to explore at home.
me: i do work with women also – i’m not trying to pick on the guys at all – i’m just as direct with the ladies – if not more so because i know what i expect of myself
yeah – you have to remain the pillar
dude: Very cool. That is awesome.
me: or feel that what you need would make you seem like less of one
when that’s not usually the case – i need to wake the women up too
dude: You nailed it!
me: we lose our connection to our primal desires and it can backfire
when we try to become like men but use sex to gain or hold power
when we already know it didn’t work for them and we’re no longer pleasing ourselves and enjoying something like a blow job rather than it being a chore or bargaining chip – same for the guys – that’s perverting the essence and purpose of sex just as much as porn –
that bugs the shit out of me lol we all have a responsibility to the future we create