my interview on a show exposing the psychology and reality behind porn and webcam work:
At the time just prior of my God encounter I didnt believe in the afterlife. In my mind it would have been a waste of energy to entertain the idea and my superficial subconcious wouldn’t even have allowed the possibility to enter my frame of thinking and color any preexisting structures of belief. Before I met God and spirits I was a photographer, painter and working towards building my yoga teaching practice. My audience was mainly female. I specialized in child photography and most of my paintings were commisioned by expecting mothers wanting something special and unique for the nursery. I’d never planned on selling my art and always maintained a low pricing structure to cater to women like me who werent wealthy but still deserve a little magic and beauty in our lives. What is the point of art if it’s never enjoyed and just sits around waiting for a home? That’s called junk. I liked to base my paintings for others off of energetic essence or a name. For the new borns I would paint a picture representing their name so that they would have a marker that spoke to them energetically and reinforced their worth. So you can see I had some belief in the power of color, form, words and sound. But because of my Catholic upbringing and what I was told to think God was, I didnt connect any of this intuitive science to God or spirituality. For me it was just science and something that resonated with me. I began working on developing a method for reading names and birthdates by color. I began using color, art and sound therapy in my meditative yoga sessions with others. I felt I’d found a way to decode the programming that had our wires crossed and left us in dis-ease. I’d found a path to physical and mental freedom for myself after decades of sickness and indoctrination. My next plan was to study computer programming and meteorolgy to learn the larger patterns of the physical and nonphysical systems of this “world”. For me, everything was transparent, methodical and every kink had imbedded instrutions on how to untangle it. Then came the unexpected….
During my God encounter he told me near the end of the first day to “remember that you are more than just a porn star”. At this point, I’d probably had more of a reputation of a prude. I was very sexual within my relationships (aside from the bulk of my marriage) but I was never the flirty or showy type. I didnt even talk to my girl friends about my sex life like they did. I wasnt embarrased by sex, I just didnt think it was anyones business unless they were involved in the situation. I didn’t understand why he told me what he did in that moment and if I had been able to see where it was going I probably would have thrown a fit. But he slowly prepared me in indirect and creative ways for what I was to embark upon. It began with telling everyone about my encounter. God warned me that because of how crazy it all sounded and how crazy i sounded to others that i would lose a lot of friends and family. I wont go into all of the details but he had me do some things that made me seem fanatical but really weren’t that big of a deal, like posting hundreds of video links on my facebook page. I couldnt watch the vids, i just had to post them and because I could see on a higher vibration i saw how they related to the whole scene but knew others wouldnt be able to interpret it that way – but god would just ask me if i trusted him and that if i did to keep doing what he asked, so I did. It may have seemed insane but i knew the truth of how the “reality” of this society is really the illusion of the insane. He would tell me truths that i would pass on knowing those seeing it werent ready for the potency. I received lots of emails of concern and beratement. My family stopped communicating with me and everyone seemed to assume that I had had some type of meltdown and I could totally understand why they saw it that way. It’s odd to watch the world unzip in front of your eyes and the only way to stop it is to resign back into living a lie or half truth. I knew then the path i was taking would be a lonely one but thankfully god took care of that by giving me access to the spirit world.
I have no problem with anyone’s orientation but I have noticed a very confusing situation in the world that is incredibly common but because of it’s nature, unstudied. It’s about “straight” guys sharing pornographic type material with each other. By pornographic I mean anything meant to arouse or stimulate someone’s sexual interests.
Guys often send pictures of women to other men, videos of women or their body parts that they’ve found titillating and want to share their excitement with another “bro”. But if we break this down with simple math you’ll see my confusion. Man #1 sends a video of topless girls to man #2. Man #1 does this because he found the video sexy and alluring and whether or not he physically touches himself, he “gets off” to it. He sends the video of the personally unknown and women (whose actions weren’t due to man #1) in the hopes or thoughts that man #2 will also “get off” to the video (whether mental or physical). So the women in the video have nothing to do with the recent actions of these men. It’s not the men getting off with the women but man #1 and man #2 getting off TOGETHER. That is homosexual. There’s also the factor of creating a continuous associative pattern.
So before you judge any “homosexuals” or pretend to not understand them, take a closer look at the things you use as proxy for your own penis. Sending porn to each other is just a way of touching dicks without having to physically experience it. You’re sharing sexual fantasy with other men and not the women avatars that shield you and have no investment in the real-time interaction. Cam work was a lot like this too. I was only acting to the fantasies given to me by other men, not what I would naturally do, and then I would use the fantasies of previous men (because every human gets lazy with tedious work) to seduce other ones…at times it was kind of a twilight zone.
I think confusion leads to pain and if this can help clear up any confusion about mislabeling things in order to see the reality then it would be beneficial to really question what and why we do the things we do. Especially the things we do without thinking about them because we’re scared of the answer or “not supposed” to think too much about them.
It’s ok to not know “what” you are but I’ve found it can damage some to keep themselves mislabeled in their minds and repress themselves in order to fit those “standards” and continue burrowing down ever-darker and never ending tunnels away from their truth. Or perhaps they just like to stay closely connected with their “bros” sexual triggers. That’s pretty tight but why the need? Perhaps to feel that they are normal and a part of something secret. This isn’t to attack anyone’s sexuality but bring awareness to our patterns which are signs of our needs, sometimes the need for intimacy and connection disguises itself in sex. Please, think about it :) Maybe the need to “fit in” and feel recognized and encouraged creates these notches we need to grab onto to represent a part of ourselves we are afraid to show.
Creative endeavors are great for releasing, reviewing and rewriting whats been exposed to our brain and programming structures, and being able to eventually share something valuable of our own that we find titillating on a soul level may bring more relief and than relying on outside sources to satisfy on our assumed behalf. Sex is also a creative venture and is greatly increased when hands and mind are experienced in other arts and crafts, the body is a temple and an instrument and those skills translate into knowing how to attune to and adorn a body. Merely watching people do things does not create an artisan. Those are spectators too afraid to play. We refine and define our instruments, just be aware of what parameters you allow yourself and what you can expect from those choices.
“George has said in other performances that he doesn’t believe there’s anything after you die. He was an atheist. (George breaks in: A former Catholic, atheist, be specific! Disillusioned Catholics are their own breed of Godless. They can’t go the wishy-washy halfway measure of “I believe in SOMETHING, I’m just not RELIGIOUS!” Fuck no, a former Catholic has to KILL GOD in his heart to be free of all the GUILT. Even when you use your logical brain, your Catholic guilt creeps in – when you’re raised thinking that God will condemn you to hell for eternity just for touching your own penis for pleasure, you have to KILL GOD just to be able to crank one out!” “
Thought I’d put these old church rags to some actual good use.
I don’t go into great detail about my god encounter on this site. Although this work was curated because God asked it of me ,I find it’s confusing enough as it is for most people to try to comprehend what I’m doing without throwing the full aspect of Holy work into the mix. But I want to show my life behind the perceptions. When I had the god encounter about 5 1/2 years ago he told me I would lose everything. I was pretty well set up at the time but surely everything began to fall apart. I lost a lot of friends and family who couldn’t understand what I was going through. I lost the place I was living, I lost the car I had, I lost $15K I had saved up to pay off the car I ended up losing, I went through a lot of medical issues while releasing old patterns. God told me he would give me back all that I had lost and he has over and over. He’d told me that there would be people to help me and at the time I’d only been in Austin a year and really didn’t have any close ties so at the time it seemed like an impossibility, but sometimes impossibly is what we need to face in order to experience miracles.
I’m not saying that the material things are oh so miraculous, there has been so much more that I have and will cover in my other forums but this world gives a lot more value to what it can “see” than what it can feel so in keeping with my promise to be an example I have to include the miracles that others may more easily identify as valuable.
I made a deal wth God that I would retire from the rat race and just do what makes me feel good and only things I truly believe in. He said that if i do that then he would take care of the finances and opportunity. The causes that were important to me, like giving young girls a more comfortable world to develop into, or helping people realize what real love and sensuality is were the driving force for creativity and inspiration. This has been a practice of faith and living in a new way. Although it has taken me down avenues I never imagined I’d need or want to venture, it has given me power to say no to things I don’t feel right about and understand how these situations gradually manifested over aeons of generations instead of letting them have a hidden power over me. But I’ve also gotten to see how to untangle them and though it makes perfect sense to me, it also makes perfect sense that it looks messy in moments of shifting.
So before I go off on my playful vids I wanted to make one in remembrance and gratitude of how things were for me not too long ago. I feel that we are all a part of the Nature I depend on to move and deliver me and in giving back I’m helping the “me” in those situations and committing that gratitude to action, just as Nature does for me. It’s why I started the blog in an attempt to help men like those who made me afraid of them as a child, or the ones just steps behind in the pattern and especially the ones who feel lost or alone in the patriarchal shadow. All of the “sex work” began as a way to help women but through what god shows me I’ve found compassion and a profound sadness (yet hopefulness) for the chokehold men have also been facing on the flip side. Realizing that communication and truth is the way to help clear up the unnecessary distortion and commercial degregadation is what drives me to be so blatant and open…I like a challenge so shock value from nudity is too easy a target for me lol this is about facing uncomfortable issues in order to release unneeded discomfort that makes the issues so uncomfortable…whether it be sex or god.
Not surprisingly I totaled my car the day after I filmed this…destruction is not always a negative, wait for the reverb cus it just might be something more amazing than what you thought you lost ;)
PS. there was a point after losing everything that god wouldn’t allow me to help men. If a homeless man approached me I was to say “women and children first” because at the time I was living on are change myself but still wanted to help others in my position. I’m allowed to give men food but no more money or cigs. And as far as vets go…I have some change to ask of those contemplating becoming a vet – don’t go to war, do not shoot anyone on my behalf. Otherwise, I’ll have no change to give you back when you return to the street corners so you might want to think a little harder about your future if not ours. WAR IS OVER IF YOU WANT IT :)
Energy runs on grids. Our body is a grid-like mechanism that we can learn to work energy through. When we lose density by flushing out stagnant and built up electrical charge we can open to the more subtle fields around us. Physically, for me, air becomes more tangible like water but I’m also able to feel the “lines” in the space around me, my body connects to something outside of itself that I can reach towards and feel support me and even moves my body for me if I allow myself to slow down enough. Imagine how that physical effect and practice might expand the abilities and available fields of the mind. Yoga helps me connect to the realness of life and go beyond what people tend to expect life to be. I’ve discovered new appreciations in small movements and find it frustrating to live in a world of superficial and fast consumption.
Sex, for me, real sex is about expanding those energy channels through out the entire body and mind along with the heart .I don’t see sex as being so much about the other person but connecting to the god energy and bathing in it. So I put vids like this out hopefully to inspire movements in order to bring more awareness in touches, slowing down to envelop the energy of a moment and not shoot through it on a pornographic idea of what sex is. I can sit on a hard stick anytime I’d like, plenty of trees out there for impotents to be jealous of, what I yearn for is to be absorbed by another body using our entire bodies and giving into the energies, getting lost in the sensations and not having to focus towards a goal but letting it take you somewhere unexplainable, that is true relaxation and release.
There’s too much “hands off” sex out there from practicing solely as an observer instead of connecting to yourself. I know it’s hard to face yourself sometimes since you’ve been so conditioned to be afraid of e-motions instead of violence (which might lead you to violence towards yourself), as manly as that sounds…. To be better in bed is to first off be better with your own body in order to respond in a way that evokes the energetic response within another. But all too often I find that no matter how connected you are to yourself you cannot be turned on by an unresponsive partner who is too dense to feel the moment anywhere than their penis or other limited and commercially designated locations. This world has become such a waste of good opportunity because of convenience. Too many people are allowing themselves to be spoiled rotten by technology and forgetting that it is preschool level technology when compared to the body and senses that they allow to go to waste. The sexual organs house the energy that is meant to be expanded and not diminished by restricting it’s path with conditioned and triggered responses.
If you’re one of those skinny-fat lazy dudes who’s not really all that “good looking” or interesting but expect to find a hot and interesting girl who wants to please them. fuck you – get off your ass and learn to be a pleasure first (and put away the porn/visual vice/robotic sex, connect to your body and reteach yourself what pleasure is, not what was sold to you as pleasure- you got ripped off, you should be frustrated… have some fucking independence please) instead of expecting all of us to mother you, it’s a huge turn off and we’ll never enjoy sucking your soggy, spoiled, porn fried dick and no, it’s not normal…just becoming the norm as you all degraded together as a species
now please watch my boring yoga practice and learn something, dumbass – you don’t need a fucking gym membership. get up and learn to move, energy is readily available and begging for you to learn how to use it. AND!!! there are lots of horny and unsatisfied women out there – you might be able to catch a break into the market… learning to dance with energy in movement will change your entire energetics including your magnetism… subtle changes in movement have a huge impact on impressions because you exude your tension patterns in every movement and sound you make, all of which is picked up in the subconscious of others.
and remember it’s a practice not a perfect – I find more relaxation and relief in laughing at my struggles rather than scolding myself for them – I also hope you’ll find the humor in the message too but also the seriousness and take it into consideration rather than in offense…cus I think we all know what I mean ;)
and here are some easy practices to start with: