“No woman should feel she has to explain rape culture to me just because I want to know what it is. No woman owes me shit. I saw how my desire for a woman to satisfy me ran deep. Even my curiosity, a trait that always made me proud, was marred with the same sort of male-centric presumption that fuels rape culture. I expected to be satisfied. That attitude is the problem….. Men shouldn’t feel threatened or attacked when women point out rape culture — they’re telling us about our common enemy. We ought to listen.”
a few of my experiences:
this past january i had to go to court. i arrived at the bus stop (no car at the time) just after 6 am to catch the bus to the court house and get there by 8. it was cold out and i was huddled on the bench wearing my full length dark brown hooded down puffy coat and boots. i had my big headphones on (mostly for warmth) and you could hardly see my face – i was blocking the wind the best i could with my hood. soon a man walks up dressed in his construction worker clothes. he stopped beside me and appeared to be talking – i was sitting in the dark all alone and didn’t really feel like talking but i have no clue what this man really wants so i lower my headphones and he says “hello beautiful” i smile nicely and say hello. he tell she he’s just moved here from houston where he had served time and wanted to get away form his old crowd and give his kids a good start. he told me he was looking for a good woman and he could tell i’d make a good wife and mother and he feels that we were meant to be. i have a polite smile on my face and don’t know what to say, i can’t out run him and i have to catch my bus, it’s dark and i must be really early for the bus because no one else is showing up. he shows me pics of his kids on his phone. then he tells me he really wants me to be his girl and how he’d take care of me, etc. he asks me for my phone number…
side note: back when i was about 25, i was running the billing dept for our companies flight operations department. i handled employees in houston, tx and calgary, canada and worked with them a lot during the day so we’d become close. for our annual christmas party, one of the flight op guys from houston who’d been taking me to lunches, happy hours, etc. and basically sneaking around with me on his girlfriend til i found out he wasn’t single, apparently had broken up with her and was going alone and asked me if i wanted to go with him. i said ok, just as a sign that we were cool but i didn’t intend on “going home” with him. at the party the canadians had saved me a seat at their table and the guy i came with seemed to get a little upset that i didn’t sit with him. after a night of drinks he ended up leaving with an exfriend and coworker of mine who was known for taking my sloppy seconds anytime i broke up with guys – at that point he prob made #7 (but wasn’t the last lol) so i was upset that i didn’t have a ride home and the canadians offered to let me crash in one of their hotel rooms. the canadian owner was a ‘good friend’ of mine and we were smoking pot in his hotel room – the girls went off to bed and he started making moves on me. we had messed around before – never penetration – he was married – i knew i’d catch my karma for it – and i did, that’s how i spotted it. so not wanting to deal with him i called for a cab at about 3am. the cab came – i gave him my address and was on my way home – while on the freeway he started hitting on me – i was so annoyed by it at this point, when he asked for my number i gave him a fake one. then he pulls his phone out and calls it. obviously it’s not mine – this really pisses him off. i’m freaking out, i can’t jump onto the freeway from a moving cab – he’s creepy enough as is, does he really care to take the risk….i wouldn’t like his life. i laugh it off and tell him that was an old number and give him my real one. he keeps chatting me up on the way home and i finally make it safely back – from that experience i learned just to give my number to the strange ones and ignore the calls after labeling the number with a description, just in case.
back to the bus stop. i give him my number ;) he gets really mushy and wants to hug me. so far he seems harmless but intense. i stand up as he asks me to and he hugs me, then he pulls back and looks at me…you know where i’m going with this….he kisses my pursed lips. i laugh it off and sit back down, he starts to walk off then turns around to come at me again – he tried to french me this time but my mouth was still locked tight. all the way to the courthouse i could smell his nauseating breath on my upper lip. i washed it off as soon as i got there. but still at the bus stop, apparently this wasn’t his stop, he told me he’d call me after work and how beautiful i was and to have a wonderful day, then walked across the street and around the corner to his stop. i was so relieved it was over and put my headphones back on. about 5 mins later he calls me. he tells me that he’s been watching me from the bushes from his stop and can i see him waving at me i play along really creeped out. he says he wants to come to my place after work and feeding his 4 kids and putting them to bed. by the grace of god the call ends and i go about my day – he called everyday a few times a day for weeks, using 3-4 different #’s to get me to answer…. i don’t want to deter guys from approaching me, i’ve resigned at being the initiator – but maybe this gives you a little insight into what we deal with.
and when i lost my car, i must have been stopped half a dozen times from men asking me if i wanted to make some money while i was walking to bus stops – i wasn’t dressed provocatively, no makeup, my hair always in a bun because of the tx heat. i guess i just looked desperate. one guy in a range rover pulled up to me as he was smoking a joint – i asked him for a hit and he tells me to get in. i kept walking