sex in my eyes

Here’s a brief but intimate look from the perspective of my romantic life and impression of males as a girl in this age of the world.

the first was a boy in kindergarten named seth – i had the feeling that he liked me because he seemed to watch over me but never spoke to me. at nap time he would lay his mat, parallel to mine, about 5-6 feet away and stare at me the whole nap time. i could never nap and would mouth “what?!?” he’d just keep staring and would never address me, just look at me silently when i spoke to him very rarely giving a short quiet answer but always avoiding the nap time issue with “i don’t know” or silence

elementary age – when boys liked me there were usually 2 outcomes

1. they ignored me or were too intimidated to speak to me

2. they were abusive to me

for the #1’s: either i never picked up on it and just thought they weren’t interested or i had to ask them out myself. my first “boyfriend” was in 4th grade. he was iranian and gorgeous, he had the most beautiful multicolored eyes and i got hot, sweaty and nervous every time i saw him. i called and asked him to be my boyfriend and we both decided to keep it a secret for the first few weeks. we rarley spoke to each other and didn’t share a class but when we switched classes for a period i got to sit in his desk and he left me a stuffed animal and candy for valentines day. once he and a friend came over to my best friend’s house after school and i was so shy i hid in the bathroom (mortified, shaking, crying and scared) the whole time they played outside. i had a huge fear of relationships and would rather experience it alone from afar ;) so i can relate to a lot of the guys out there, i just have to dig a few years back. i couldn’t afford to remain shy – the boys never changed.

for the #2’s i learned how to defend myself. one boy who had a big crush on me (and sat right next to me) thought that he had the right to constantly reach into my desk, not realizing that this also invaded my personal (close to my physical private area) space. my whole day consisted of watching for his reach out of the corner of my eye and then, without being noticed by the teacher, would reach for the back of his arm with my index and middle finger knuckles and pinch and twist the soft part of his arm with a poker face on. he always had horrible bruises on the back of his arm and was too embarrassed to say why. one boy was always mean to me, like a preemptive response to my dismissal of him. i would ignore him and it finally climaxed on a day in a science lab for the smarter kids – he threw acid in my face because i wouldn’t talk to him while he was trying to bait me into interacting (fighting) with him.

middle school: i began to develop quickly. there was no lack of attention from men, and not just the boys my age.

i don’t think that boys consider that when the girls around them in school begin developing, that they aren’t the only men who notice. younger boys are practicing not getting caught looking so we tend to pick up on the tricks and then begin to notice them in the 40 and 50 year olds around us too. it’s not fun, boys don’t get that. i lived with a sexually inappropriate father so enjoying and celebrating my body wasn’t a safe option, and the rest of the men scared me too. i stopped showering to repel any advances and would wear oversized clothes, often my father’s t-shirts that were 10 times too big just to hide my changing body. i began putting on a lot of weight and became bulimic after dealing with my family’s reaction to my weight. my parents put me on a strict diet and i would binge at school and purge because i was afraid they would know i was eating.

i felt ugly and i was told i was. i was made fun of by peers but that didn’t bug me so much, they had no idea what i was dealing with at home so i couldn’t be truly mad at their ignorance. i still had some great friends and a group of shy boys who liked me. i would spend a lot of time with them. i knew that they liked me but i felt safe because they were respectful in controlling their feelings for me or just too wussy to act on them – that made me trust them or at least feel in control. but this also created a sort of resentment from their frustration – either with their own shyness to address their feelings or my resistance to do it for them.

i ended up having  a couple of boyfriends (a bryan and a brian who were best friends) i kissed them both, my first good and bad kiss

to be continued…


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