how does porn disengage you? watching from the 3rd person or observer’s perspective (also a submissive one) and creating all your stimulus and neural connections from that perspective leaves you clueless and unsure in one on one situations regarding behavior and reactions. You may begin to require being the spectator in order to be aroused, or re-aroused, because having the attention on you with mostly 3rd person experience to recall upon can create performance anxiety and shut down.
So we see the rise of the cam world. Virtual sex…sorta…more of a rung above it on the ladder of declining to sex with robots. This was created out of the yearning for reconnection. Men can take baby steps towards reengaging, being involved and not a 3rd party and being responded to. Some have anxieties even when they are noticed and will run off. Most have issues with talking on the phone and being seen. Almost all are paranoid and suspicious of everything. There are many levels to this and none are “wrong”. However far down the well you’ve gone there is still a way out. Nature sees to that and webcam porn was born.
A comment on threesomes: this fantasy is the ultimate porn bc they get to watch 2 people without envy or threat of another man. Men, please work on the basics first. If you can’t please one woman don’t waste the time and disappoint two. Men cannot fuck two women at once: 6 holes to your one penis. Women, however, can take 3 at a time: 3 holes for 3 penises. So remember this when you make this misogynistic offer or assumption and be fair if you want the same in return. To be a gentleman: First, prove your worth. second, offer a 3some with another guy but only if its a serious offer. If she accepts, things follow through and you would like to see her with a woman in return let her know the deal. If you have made it this far and are still intent on chasing the overblown unicorn, then, and only then, do you have the right to request reciprocation without coming off like an inexperienced douche. She can decide at that point whether to walk away or help you with your sexual fairy tale. I for one, have no need for another woman in the bed. Can’t find a guy to keep up with me let alone me and another. I like to keep inward focus for maximum pleasure and not be bothered with rotations or distractions from connection… and i need solar power (penis) not another hole, gots plenty of those already.
The other issue hidden in the one above is the need to “perform” as though you yourself are being watched and judged like a porn star during sex. This deadens the improvisational and response skills required for authenticity (not running a script devoid of spontaneity), deeper feelings and the dirty word VULNERABILITY. Vulnerability breeds creativity, sharper instinct and new ideas. Women (thanks to our menstruation) are more naturally tapped into, motivated by and responsive to subtleties and sensitive to the feelings you may think you hide. Your “hidden” insecurity can squash a climax very easily or provoke fake responses to encourage you and leave you feeling sexually or physically inadequate, creating a bigger sandpit of anxiety and becoming a hurdle on the path towards true vulnerability, quality of experience and deeper connection. Not just a connection to another – first you have to connect to your own being.
Let’s say sex is like a doubles tennis match. What are you bringing to the game? And how well do you work with your partner? This is where the “one night stand” scenario negatively affects your perception of your sexual value or performance. How often do you practice with the same partner? Do you jump around to different partners then expect precision in the mechanics of the teamwork? While newness may be thrilling it rarely leaves space for you to be with your self and practice being connected to the energy and substitutes as your main source of stimulation. Distractions create disassociation.
In every relationship big or small there are 3 entities. You, the other person and the relationship or combined value of the influences you each bring to the situations that form experiences in this vessel or relation-ship. When regarding sex you could even view this as “god”, heaven, bliss, ecstasy…energy creates sensation. How well you do maneuver your energy? How effortlessly does it “flow”?
For me sex is working with another being to get to a deeper place in experiencing bliss and relaxation, to let go of myself and romance spirit or sensation, perhaps address but not get caught up in the superficial issues that keep us from feeling. In short, my vessel creating a machine when combined with another vessel to silence the mind and allow my sprit to move me freely. This requires trust (especially self trust) and practice, not alcohol and high heels. If you were playing a doubles match against time and sensation, what type of partner would you want?