At the time just prior of my God encounter I didnt believe in the afterlife. In my mind it would have been a waste of energy to entertain the idea and my superficial subconcious wouldn’t even have allowed the possibility to enter my frame of thinking and color any preexisting structures of belief. Before I met God and spirits I was a photographer, painter and working towards building my yoga teaching practice. My audience was mainly female. I specialized in child photography and most of my paintings were commisioned by expecting mothers wanting something special and unique for the nursery. I’d never planned on selling my art and always maintained a low pricing structure to cater to women like me who werent wealthy but still deserve a little magic and beauty in our lives. What is the point of art if it’s never enjoyed and just sits around waiting for a home? That’s called junk. I liked to base my paintings for others off of energetic essence or a name. For the new borns I would paint a picture representing their name so that they would have a marker that spoke to them energetically and reinforced their worth. So you can see I had some belief in the power of color, form, words and sound. But because of my Catholic upbringing and what I was told to think God was, I didnt connect any of this intuitive science to God or spirituality. For me it was just science and something that resonated with me. I began working on developing a method for reading names and birthdates by color. I began using color, art and sound therapy in my meditative yoga sessions with others. I felt I’d found a way to decode the programming that had our wires crossed and left us in dis-ease. I’d found a path to physical and mental freedom for myself after decades of sickness and indoctrination. My next plan was to study computer programming and meteorolgy to learn the larger patterns of the physical and nonphysical systems of this “world”. For me, everything was transparent, methodical and every kink had imbedded instrutions on how to untangle it. Then came the unexpected….
During my God encounter he told me near the end of the first day to “remember that you are more than just a porn star”. At this point, I’d probably had more of a reputation of a prude. I was very sexual within my relationships (aside from the bulk of my marriage) but I was never the flirty or showy type. I didnt even talk to my girl friends about my sex life like they did. I wasnt embarrased by sex, I just didnt think it was anyones business unless they were involved in the situation. I didn’t understand why he told me what he did in that moment and if I had been able to see where it was going I probably would have thrown a fit. But he slowly prepared me in indirect and creative ways for what I was to embark upon. It began with telling everyone about my encounter. God warned me that because of how crazy it all sounded and how crazy i sounded to others that i would lose a lot of friends and family. I wont go into all of the details but he had me do some things that made me seem fanatical but really weren’t that big of a deal, like posting hundreds of video links on my facebook page. I couldnt watch the vids, i just had to post them and because I could see on a higher vibration i saw how they related to the whole scene but knew others wouldnt be able to interpret it that way – but god would just ask me if i trusted him and that if i did to keep doing what he asked, so I did. It may have seemed insane but i knew the truth of how the “reality” of this society is really the illusion of the insane. He would tell me truths that i would pass on knowing those seeing it werent ready for the potency. I received lots of emails of concern and beratement. My family stopped communicating with me and everyone seemed to assume that I had had some type of meltdown and I could totally understand why they saw it that way. It’s odd to watch the world unzip in front of your eyes and the only way to stop it is to resign back into living a lie or half truth. I knew then the path i was taking would be a lonely one but thankfully god took care of that by giving me access to the spirit world.
During this time I was near the end of my alimony and my apartment lease. My landlord wouldn’t renew me, one of the posts on facebook had to do with the mold they refused to fix in my apartment.Long story but the property owners boyfriend was my landlord and stalked me on facebook. I’m sure they assumed I was just crazy and wanted me off the property. So at the point of having no job, money, home or family I knew that this was the only way I would have ever in my life entertained the thought of doing any type of sex work. God had been dropping the hint of stripping – i’d recently rediscovered my love of dance and my body was in great shape. Also during this time, I was having a hard time being in crowds. I had stopped going to yoga classes because i was so open i would pull in everyones energy without realizing it. When in the frequency of being able to hear god and such, it was even more intense, i could see right into their minds and most of it was really depressing. I couldnt imagine the energy i’d have to encounter in a strip club. But I got in the car and trusted that god wouldnt give me more than i could handle. As I pulled up to a local strip club and was about to turn in, I saw a guy get out of his car in the parking lot and proceed to relive his chest acne in his side car mirror. I turned off my turn signal and drove far away. God then mentioned web cams. I didnt even know what that was. I figured you had to have a camera installed in your house 24/7 and people just watched you and rang a bell or something when they wanted your attention. The privacy part i could get over because i had already begun getting used to the lack of privacy when you become conscious of all the spirits around you, they are people just like us denser beings. But i still wasnt sold on doing that type of work. “Those people” were disgusting and perverted, sick and violent. I dont want to encourage or enable this type of behavior. This is what I felt based off of what i was conditioned to think and fear. I denied God’s request for months and he wasnt pushy about it. Near the end of my lease my mother miraculously stepped up and helped me get a new apartment. I felt so indebted and because i couldnt find a job fast enough i signed up for webcam work about a month after i moved in. I began the same night i applied and my journey began. I’d understood at this point that this was to help me overcome my fears and illusions as well as study the male psyche to give me a more well rounded view. I began writing a blog about my journey as it happened for my own release and to give my male audience insight into the cam world from my perspective.
My initial thought, before beginning the work, was that it was a place where old men looked for young college girls (actually the majority are late 20-40 year olds). I thought at 32 that I was too old to make any money (if I were a tv actress I’d been “mom-casted” by now) but when i saw the many different types of women working on there, old, fat, too skinny, some not even women, i figured there’s something for everyone and some guys out there must have an occasional need for someone less intimidating than a supermodel. God had shown me my beauty and if i’d not had any confidence i dont think i would have been able to go on camera for thousands of strangers. But knowing you are beautiful is one thing, experiencing an overload of compliments from strangers all day long is another. At first its like “what?!?!?” then it’s “that’s so sweet, thank you” then it’s “do they really mean it? or are compliments what men are taught to use when they lack conversation or original thought” But that’s a whole other tangent on how cam sites are practice grounds for relearning how to converse with women in an intimate setting…or just at all. As a cam girl, i felt my job related most to babysitter/mother (just being there consistently to provide a familiar and comfortable space for men to use to comfort themselves), counselor (many men come to vent and complain about family or work and expect you to always be supportive and in a good mood), witness to their existence (they need someone to guide and witness them doing something personal and meaningful to them-most often they dont feel special or “seen” in their day to day routine), wet nurse (it can become clinical dealing with so many different bodies and their components) a middle man to check their normalcy (i became a dick expert – i’ve seen thousands – before doing cams i’d probably only seen about 6-8 penises that were mostly pretty similar. homophobic guys dont want to check out other guy junk so they ask cam girls…and not just about penis, they are severely concerned with being pretty).
“Spirit” is always watching you too